2010

Here we are again, ringing in a new year, and along with that come the tradition of making a resolution that you’re 98% sure you’re not going to keep anyway. Or proclamations of “this is the year. This is MY year…”

I don’t think I’m going to do that this year. I did that last year, and to be honest, 2009 didn’t end up nearly as glorious as I had planned. True, I wrapped up my degree, something I thought I’d never do, paid off my Jeep and cleared up all my debt, which just feels good, and kept myself surrounded by amazing people who love me.

What I didn’t do was land that job of my dreams. And, I’ll admit, the search is making me weary. I refuse to believe I am stuck in a job that makes me wonder what the point of existance is everytime I walk in the office door. I flat out refuse to stay at a job just for the paycheck. There’s gotta be something out there that makes me feel like a productive member of society and less like a glorified answering machine.

I didn’t buy a house. This is something I really want for myself. My own house. A place where I can paint the walls, I can tear out a wall if I want, I can pound whatever nails in the walls I want. My own place. How would it be to have need of a lawn mower? The American Dream. I want it.

I also didn’t get married. I know, so pathetic and cliched, and I’ll admit, I hate it myself. And if someone else said those words to me, I’d rip their head off and give them a massive lecture about how there’s much more to life than getting married, that the key to success in anything is to be happy as an individual, and satisfied with yourself as a person. And I am. I’m happy. I have a good life. I just need to change my outlook, plan, expectations. Ten years ago, I had a different plan. Married by 25, have my 2.3 children by 30, be a stay-at-home writer with a brilliant online career, and live happily ever after. I guess I built these expectations based on my mom’s path. She was married by 21, had Kid#1 at 25, and Kid#2 at 29. (29 years and 279 days. I figured this out because on June 5th, 2010, I will be exactly half of my mother’s age. I think we’ll have a party of some sort. Seems like an occasion to celebrate something.) So, I guess it’s natural to feel disappointed.

2010 will be the year I turn 30. And I don’t have my children. I don’t have the job to support them if I did. I don’t own a home. I don’t have that husband that loves me no matter how infuriating I am. I have a cat. I rent (albeit a freaking cool apartment). I have a passion for words that I can’t use. But, that’s fine. It’s not a time for a resolution, or a promise that this is the year to make drastic changes. Change will come as it’s meant to. This is the year for different expectations. Nothing more.