Dating Rant

Now, before I jump in to this, I just want to clarify. I’m not bitter towards men. Men are great. There are so many great men in this world that I simply can’t live without. I’m not bitter towards men. I’m bitter towards dating.

And I’m bitter towards Utah.

People who live outside of Utah may have to clarify this for me, but I think being a 30-year-old woman who doesn’t believe in or attend the LDS church is a bit of an obstacle when it comes to dating. It’s so difficult to meet guys unless it’s at church or the bar. Where’s the in-between? The good guy who likes a beer every now and then? And where can I find a pile to sort through? I’m ready. I’m done playing around. I’m looking for an adult male to build a life with. Where do I find those?

Being an Internet junkie, I decided (much to my mother’s dismay, if I’d tell her or if she reads this blog post) to give the online dating thing a try. Ugh, right? How cheesy and gross. But it works for some people. It has to. There are so many dating sites out there, it HAS to do something for a person. I KNOW people that have met off the Internet and are in happy, healthy, grown-up relationships. Besides, with a concealed carry permit AND a tube of pepper spray packed away, I would be alright. Right?

Physically, sure. However, I’m now mentally exhausted and wondering if there’s some huge problem with me.

Online dating is a simple process. You find a site. You check out a few and wonder if paying for digital matchmaking is really going to be better than the free service. Since you decide this is already horrible for your ego, you go with free. Then you can at least saved the money for a case of beer and a carton of ice cream with it all goes south.

Then you sign up. You give this digital mystery site all your deep dark secrets. You’re 30. Your last decent relationship ended over six years ago. You don’t smoke. You pause over the question asking if you drink socially or if you drink often. Can’t I do both? Is drinking with my cat and the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy on demand considered ‘social’? And if it is and I do that more than three times a week, is that often? You pick social because it seem like the less ‘alcoholic’ of the two. Now, you want a beer, so you have to go get one to finish the rest of this questionnaire, as your soul cries that this is what it has come to. You do want kids (even though you can feel your eggs drying up and you realize you don’t really want to pick up crayons off the floor). You do have a job. You do have a car (are the men on this site really going to be that shallow?).

Now, you have to write a paragraph about yourself.

Lord.

You know what this is. This is the “I like pina coladas and dancing in the rain” paragraph. This is the “I like long walks on the beach and laughing” paragraph. This is your chance to make yourself as attractive as possible and not let on that you’re really just tired of begging your friends to ask how your day was, and killing spiders, and changing your own light bulbs. You can’t say in here you’d honestly just like to have to not worry about EVERYthing in the house. You want someone to eat the crappy food you make and take over making sure the oil is changed in the car. And that you’re tired of Facebook posting ads for your horoscope asking ‘Will you get married? Janet can tell you!’ That’s it. That’s all you need.

No. Instead, you type out some overly cheerful version of yourself saying how you like jeeps and ice hockey and you’re ‘just looking for a friend, nothing too serious.’ Bullshit. You want a husband and you know it.

You sigh, take a swig of the beer, and hit ‘Submit.’

And wait.

Of course, you can go surf on your own. But you’re a woman. Women were engineered to be wooed and pursued. So you wait.

And lo and behold! The emails come pouring! Yay! Success. A pile of men. Let the sorting begin.

Hopes are high as you diligently read every email, and check out every profile, rejecting the ones with young kids and custody schedules. Deleting the emails with grammar so dreadful, they are impossible to read. Keeping a few potentials on the back burner in case you change your mind, then deleting them anyway. Delete, delete, no, next, are you kidding me?, delete.

I’ve had my online profile up and active for about three months now. I made a pact to myself that any guy who emailed me a few times, then asked me out, I’d go out with. I’d at least give them the benefit of the doubt and a first date. I’ve found, mostly, I don’t want to meet the people on these sites. I’m too snobby and close-minded to deal with baggage, or grown men who live with their mothers, or anything short of an intelligent, successful, adult male.

I’ve met interesting people, sure. But they’ve all ended with one of us feeling really badly about ourselves. Some say they want an opinionated woman, but as soon as I voice an opinion, they get mad, tell me I’m too judgmental and stop talking. Another was doing some herbal diet I didn’t understand, and in my efforts to learn more about the thing, I ended up telling him it was stupid, we both yelled at each other, and I walked away feeling like a failure. When I try to be open-minded, I fail. When I try to speak my mind, I fail. When I try to be the exact person they want me to be, I hold everything in then explode and fail.

I’m coming to determine that I am simply not dating material. I’m not suited for this social convention, even with the assistance of modern technology. I think it may be time to delete the profile, pick up a hobby or two, and grab another beer.